Monday, April 18, 2011

Letting go of desire

I keep going to a place of pain. Last night was an example , devan and i were about to go to sleep and i mentioned that during my run that evening i sprinted up hills and it felt really great. I guess i wanted him to tell me how great that is and how proud he is of my great running skills Nd how i dont sit on my ass any more who knows what i wanted , but the reaponse i got was "why did u even tell me that" i immediatelly hated him and felt like shit. His response to the story was not what i wanted or "desired". I shut down ,he then asked " what makes u upset about sharing that with me? "well devan obviously u did not make me happy with ur answer. He asked the question again I spent an hour trying to figure out why. Getting more frustrated and pissed off at him, because he kept asking the question and i could not get the answer. I wanted to know but at the same time was resisting it . He said perfect happiness is gods will as sadness is to what ? " over and over. It was my small will that wanted to be unhappy,and then devan used the word desire instead of will. And i thought " shit fuck " i have to drop my desires. But arent the fifillment of desires the way to happiness? Well that doesnt sound like a good time. Then i remembered where i was and what i am doing and realized that God is where my happiness liies and that is really true,

2 comments:

  1. um, how's about you wanted to share in your happiness and extend the kingdom? ZOE WEEEEEE :)

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  2. ps. thanks you for sharing your thrill within while running, i remember it well. you tapped into a beautiful memory for me. <3

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